Is sleeping apart bad for your relationship?

Key takeaways

• No study shows that sleeping apart harms a relationship. Research on its effects is thin. There’s more on what poor sleep does to couples.

• It’s common. In a 2025 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, 31% of US adults said they had tried sleeping apart to accommodate a partner.

• Poor sleep makes couples argue more. In one study, couples were worse at resolving a disagreement after either partner had slept badly.

• Sharing a bed has its own pull. People tend to sleep a little worse next to a partner by objective measures, yet most say they sleep better with them there.

• Loud snoring is worth a doctor’s visit. With gasping or pauses in breathing, it can be a sign of sleep apnea.

Sleeping apart is more common than you’d think

A “sleep divorce” usually means one partner moving to the spare room, the couch or a separate bed so both can sleep. In the American Academy of Sleep Medicine’s (AASM) 2025 survey of about 2,000 US adults, 31% said they had done it to accommodate a bed partner. It was most common among people aged 35 to 44 (39%) and least common among those 65 and older (18%). The AASM’s 2023 survey, which asked the question slightly differently, put the figure at more than a third.

Snoring comes up often, along with restlessness, different work schedules, one partner’s insomnia keeping the other awake, and babies and young children who need tending at night. Some people with a sleep disorder are advised to sleep apart for safety: the AASM’s guidance says people with severe REM sleep behavior disorder, who act out their dreams, should sleep separately until it’s treated.

What happens when couples share a bed

Bed partners disturb each other. In a 1994 study that tracked 46 couples’ movements through the night, people moved more when sleeping with a partner than when sleeping alone, and about a third of those movements happened at the same moment as the partner’s. Yet most of them said they slept better when their partner was there.

Wendy Troxel, a sleep scientist at the RAND Corporation who has studied couples’ sleep for years, has written about the same gap: people sleep worse with a partner by objective measures but mostly prefer to share a bed anyway. She links the preference to feeling safe and close.

There’s some evidence that sharing a bed changes sleep in good ways too. A small 2020 lab study of 12 couples found that partners had more REM sleep and more synchronized sleep stages when they slept together.

Why poor sleep strains a relationship

Researchers know more about the reverse question: what bad sleep does to couples. In a 2013 study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, people reported more conflict with their partner after a poor night’s sleep. When couples were brought into the lab to discuss a disagreement, one partner’s poor sleep was enough to make both of them less positive and less able to read each other’s feelings. They resolved the disagreement best when both were well rested.

A 2010 study of 29 couples found the link runs both ways: a tense day can make for a worse night, and a bad night can make for a tenser day. If one of you is awake most nights because of the other, that’s the trade-off to weigh.

When snoring is the reason

Snoring is one of the most frequent reasons couples split up for the night, and it’s worth looking into before you settle on separate rooms. Loud, frequent snoring, especially with choking, gasping or pauses in breathing, can be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea. Other signs include daytime sleepiness, morning headaches and waking at night to urinate. The AASM’s patient site has more on symptoms and testing.

In a small study of 10 married couples, treating the husbands’ suspected apnea helped their wives too: when the men were put on a CPAP machine partway through the night, their wives were roused from sleep less often, and the researchers estimated the gain at more than an hour of extra sleep a night.

How couples who sleep apart stay close

A few things make it easier:

• Bring it up during the day, when neither of you is short on sleep, and frame it as a shared problem to solve together.

• Keep some time together in bed. Many couples go to bed together, then one moves; others wake up together on weekends.

• Plan for intimacy separately from sleep, so it doesn’t fade along with sharing a bed.

• Treat it as flexible. Some couples sleep apart only on work nights, or use separate beds in the same room.

• Check in after a few weeks to see whether you’re both sleeping better and still feel connected.

Troxel prefers to call the arrangement a “sleep alliance”: a decision made together so that both partners are rested.

Frequently asked questions

Is a sleep divorce a red flag?

Not on its own. Dr. Seema Khosla, a spokesperson for the AASM, has said it has more to do with mutual respect for each other’s sleep than with a troubled relationship. It can become one if it’s a way of avoiding each other, or if it happens without a conversation.

Do couples sleep better together or apart?

Measured by movement and waking, most people sleep a little better alone. Asked how they feel, most say they sleep better next to their partner. There’s little direct research on what moving apart does to sleep; a separate room removes the disturbance for the partner being kept awake, but it will not improve a snorer’s own sleep if the cause is apnea.

Do couples who sleep apart have less sex?

There isn’t good research on this. The risk is that intimacy drops off if it was tied to bedtime, so it helps to plan time for it separately from bedtime.

How do you ask your partner to sleep separately?

Pick a calm moment during the day. Talk about how you’re both sleeping, focus on the shared goal of being rested, and suggest a trial of a few weeks first.

How many couples sleep in separate rooms?

In the AASM’s 2025 survey, 31% of US adults said they had slept apart from a partner at some point to accommodate them. That counts anyone who has tried it, not only couples who sleep apart every night.